Dawn's Notes
Honey, You Are Doing All Right - September 2023
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW
I will never forget her, Margaret Anne, even though that was not her real name. It has been years since I met her, but her words left a lasting impression, and I have not forgotten how she coped with her aging and forgetfulness. Margaret Anne was probably in her eighties. A short, thin, well-dressed lady. She was out-going, and her friendliness was winsome. I immediately liked her. As she told me her story, my heart went out to her, and I admired her.
She had gone through a loss and was having trouble remembering things—some of them trivial and some that were important. Her forgetfulness was both bothersome and a bit frightening for her, but she was doing what she could to cope. She told me that she was making lists, writing things down, but acknowledged that it was impossible to write everything, and she was having trouble keeping track of her lists. So she said she had decided to relax and do the best she could with her problem, and shared one of her strategies.
Margaret Anne said, “Every morning when I get up, I go to the mirror. I look in the mirror and give myself a kiss.” She paused to demonstrate. She kissed the palm of her hand, and with a flourish, she planted her kiss smack-dab in the middle of her right cheek. Next, Margaret Ann said that she looked into the mirror and told herself, “Honey, you’re doing all right!” Her own reassurances, hearing her own encouraging words, seemed to help her more than anything.
Margaret Anne never seemed to give up and kept on doing the things she could do, using her lists to try to keep her on track. I remember how she encouraged herself when she was alone, when no one was there to say, “Margaret Anne, you are doing all right!” even though her days were sometimes difficult. She had a tenacious, don’t-give-up attitude that I admired. She was honest with herself and with others about what was troubling her. She smiled a lot. She tried to stay engaged with people when she could have hidden from her struggles.
For me Margaret Anne was a hero, even though I never told her so, but wish I had. She modeled some encouraging strategies and words. In the years since she told me her story, I have thought of her. After my husband died, I had some transient trouble concentrating. By then I knew that a lack of concentration can be normal after a loss. I too did some inaudible self-talk, telling myself “You’ve got to concentrate,” in order to get my mind back on track. And even though life was tough, I did my best to keep on going, similar to Margaret Anne.
Before my husband died, I already used lists to organize myself, and my lists helped me get a handle on finances, needed repairs, and chores I needed to accomplish after his death. I still make lists of my goals—by the day, sometimes by the week, or for my future dreams.
Even if we are older, we all still need to dream. There is always something new we can learn or do. Something as small as trying a new recipe, rearranging a closet, doing a kindness, or doing something fun for yourself counts—something to look forward to! Dreams and goals can keep us moving and give us a feeling of accomplishment.
If you are dealing with a life challenge or loss, I wish I could introduce you to Margaret Anne. But she probably left this world several years ago without knowing how she had inspired and encouraged at least one person (me) with her optimistic way of approaching life.
If you are struggling, I encourage you to use her daily method. Go to your mirror and plant a kiss on your cheek. Tell yourself, “Honey, you are doing all right,” and then go out and face your giants! You’ll be a winner!
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
Albert Einstein
Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty, Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225
Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator