Dawn's Notes

Ups and Downs of Life - August 2022
by Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW

Where I grew up in Tennessee, seesaws were on our playgrounds at school. Perhaps you know them as teeter-totters, but they are called tilting boards in the New England area and hickey-horses in the coastal region of North Carolina. When we were kids, my siblings and I sometimes made our own seesaws, usually from a narrow board that we borrowed from our daddy. We put the board over a pivotal point, usually a block, and we were ready to play.

No matter what they are called, the purpose is for two children to go up and down and up and down with a child on each end of the board. If you played on a seesaw when you were a kid, you may have been surprised when a playmate suddenly decided to jump off, letting your end of the seesaw hit the ground hard with a jolting bonk—not funny! The sudden stop was both irritating and painful and made it hard to want to seesaw with that playmate again! Because of seesaw bonks or other antics, fewer parks and schools now have seesaws. If they do, shock-absorbing materials are placed under the seesaws to help protect kids from harm.

You may wonder what the ups and downs of seesawing has to do with grief, but I believe there are similarities. For instance, before my husband’s illness, our life was going along well. He and I were working, our daughters were happily married, and we had two beautiful grandchildren. Life was good!

Then we experienced a jarring bonk when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. From that day until his death, our life was like riding a seesaw with ups and downs, hoping the cancer had slowed down, hoping for more time together. After his death, the ups and downs continued for me. At first there seemed to be only sad times, then the sad times became less frequent with only an occasional softer bonk.

The ups and downs of grief can be compared to being on a steep roller-coaster—that’s what it felt like for me after my husband died. As I settled into a new routine, I had more balance in my life. I actively searched for ideas to help me with my sadness, and my “hills” became fewer. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful.

Planning one small thing to look forward each day or week can give you hope.

Walking or gentle exercise can help combat depression and tone us physically.

Do not feel guilty if you begin to feel joy after your loss. You will never forget your loved one even if you enjoy life again!

The outdoors can be healing—birds, flowers, trees, sunsets, or a picnic.

Music can be soothing or set your foot to tapping.

Being around children with their smiles and hugs can give up uplift!

It may be helpful to write your thoughts and feelings.

Pamper yourself a bit with a small treat—a pop and popcorn, a funny movie, something new to wear, chocolate, a special food, a good book, or a short trip.

Eating your meals outside or in a different location inside can be helpful.

Sitting in a swing or lawn chair can be enjoyable.

Try a new recipe and invite a friend over for coffee or tea, or store-bought cookies will work.

Tell yourself you can heal—“I can do this. I must do this! I will do this!”

Find a friend who will not let you down, someone to help keep your seesaw on an even keel without bonks!

Take care of yourself. Eventually those ups and downs will smooth out and joy will return. I wish you healing with fewer bumps and more smiles.

Call about the next "Living Life after Loss" Group at:
Meadowlark Hospice
709 Liberty, Clay Center, Kansas
(785) 632-2225
Dawn Phelps, RN/LMSW, Group Facilitator